For the next in our series of increasingly confused and out of touch looks at contemporary culture I once again work my way through the lyrics of a modern chart hit. In this case, I consider whether the actions of Katy Perry in her song “Last Friday Night” show her to be a cute, quirky party girl full of joi de vivre, or perhaps a criminal sociapath who encourages young girls to follow her down a path of criminality, lewdness and sexual deviancy. Seriously, every line of this song represents a potentially life-ruining disaster on the scale of an E!True Story. Enjoy!
*This list was guest written by Sani. She’s younger, brighter and funnier than me, but just as grumpy*
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlyXNRrsk4A
There’s a stranger in my bed
Call the police then! Seriously, this is a bad situation.
There’s a pounding my head
Ok, call the police about the stranger and THEN take some aspirin
Glitter all over the room
Seriously, you can hoover later. Police first, then tidying!
Pink flamingos in the pool
Alive or dead. Dead flamingoes in the pool is BAAADDDD news.
I smell like a minibar
Minibars don’t smell like anything. I checked, I totally just sniffed one…..Nothing.
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Well don’t pay him then.
Barbie’s on the barbeque
Is she really, or is that just some random illiteration you threw in there? And why do you have a Barbie?
There’s a hickie or a bruise
Please try to be more specific. One is cute, the other is domestic abuse.
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
Well thats just going to be incriminating evidence then isn’t it. Untag!
I’m screwed
Oh well
You seemed to get over it pretty quickly.
It’s a black top blur
Its a what what what?
But I’m pretty sure it ruled
It “ruled”? What are you, twelve?
Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
Yeah, yeah. Good for you.
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot
Did you really forget or are you just being coy? Is this like the time when you kissed girls while telling us over and over that you are definitely definitely not gay? What an attention whore!
Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
How come you can’t remember kissing a dude, but you memorised your credit limit for your card and knew when you went over it?
And got kicked out of the bar
If you danced on the table in my bar I’d throw you the fuck out too!
So we hit the boulevard
Before you drowned the flamingos? After you trashed the bar?
Last Friday night
Yeah, we got that
We went streaking in the park
Really? Streaking? In the park? Isn’t that a little sex offender-ish?
Skinny dipping in the dark
Thats probably where they found the doomed flamingoes
Then had a menage a trois
This is a song for kids you know? Kids remember, work and pray hard like Katy Perry and you too could be running naked through a park before having a threesome.
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
No shit Sherlock, you broke a whole bunch of them. For example killing flamingoes, public nudity, wrecking bars….all illegal.
Always say we’re gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah
You probably should stop-op being such a bad example-ample.
This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
No, by NEXT Friday you’ll be in jail awaiting trial for the events of THIS Friday.
Trying to connect the dots
I’ll get you a pen. Here’s the highlights: threesomes, wrecked bars, streaking, minibar sniffing, flamingo-icide.
Don’t know what to tell my boss
I thought you were a teenager? Why do you have a boss? Also, its Saturday so fuck your boss, its your day off!
Think the city towed my car
Well you were drunk so they were right to tow your car. What a good influence you are on the youth Katy.
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Shit, that’s gonna cost you. How did that happen anyway? From the sounds of things you were swinging on it while taking off your clothes. You’re basically lucky to be alive.
Warrants out for my arrest
That’s the most true and obvious statement in this whole song.
Think I need a ginger ale
I think you need a fucking lawyer.
That was such an epic fail
What was? That terrible lyrics? The song? Your career?
T.G.I.F.
….but its Saturday
T.G.I.F.
I mean you clearly said all these things happened last night. Its Saturday morning.
T.G.I.F.
Its fucking Saturday!
T.G.I.F.
Check your day of the week pants. I’ll predict what they say…..Saturday!
T.G.I.F.
For example, if you went to TGI Fridays and said “What day is it hommies?”, They would answer, “Ummmm, Saturday Ms. Perry”
T.G.I.F.
Its Saturday and you are going to jail.