Imagine a time traveller of the HG Well’s variety – a well dressed, refined Gentleman with a proud moustache and a spiffing top hat – arriving in the modern world. Imagine the first place he materialised was an underground club that played exclusively dubstep and drum and bass tunez. “My Word!”, he may exclaim as the booty shaking and grinding of the girls in their underwear caused his monocle to fall out in a comical fashion.
This perplexed reaction is exactly the same way I feel about all music released since 1998. In other words, I am hopelessly out of touch with contemporary music culture. Nonetheless, I shall try my best to parse each lyrical line of another modern chart hit to make sense of it for you (the modern youngster) and me (the anachronistic relic from the past).
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOAMfUJ3tsc
[Chorus]
If you wanna get with me
There’s some things you gotta know
I like my beats fast
And my bass down low
I think I get this. If I want to “get” with you (I assume this means have sex with you) then you require a certain soundtrack. You require fast beats and a low level of base before you will consider taking our relationship any further. I do not think I shall be pursuing this option, as you appear to believe wearing sunglasses in doors is acceptable and I could never date a woman who thought this.
Ba-ba-bass, bass, bass down low
Bass, bass, bass down low
I, I, I like my beats fast
And my bass down low
After a fairly promising and moderately comprehensible beginning, you are now repeating yourself. I understand this is necessary in dance music, so shall allow it.
Bass, bass down low
Bass, bass, bass down low
I, I, I like my beats fast
And my bass down low
Yes yes, the graphic equalizer has been adjusted to accommodate your musical requirements, lets move on.
[Verse 1]
It’s like one, two, three, f-ck it
I’m bout to take this drink and just stuff it
That’s some seriously unambitious counting right there. No one expects you to count to a thousand in a song, but up to three then you give up? “One, two, three….Ah, fuck it! I can’t be expected to count past that!”. And would it have been so bad to say you were going to “take this drink” and maybe, you know, “drink it”? Do you need to “stuff” it. I have never described consuming any food or drink as “stuffing it”. For example, if someone asked what happened to the last of the nesquik chocolate milk, I wouldn’t say I had “stuffed it”. They would more than likely ask me “where?” and possibly also “what the fuck is wrong with you?”.
Fish tank this thing along with four more shots
of Patron I give a fuck about going home
So you’re going to take the initial drink that you took upwards of 3 seconds to consume (stuff) and have an additional 4 shots? I don’t know what “fish tanking” means. I suppose I could go to the urban dictionary, where I could read about how it means five different types of violent, misogynistic sexual practices men use to humiliate and degrade women. I could also just take it literally and imagine little fish in shot glasses, swimming in drunken circles, thinking every five seconds “I hate this song, I hate this song, I hate this song”.
Additionally, if you “give a fuck” then you presumable care about something. In this case, if you “give a fuck about going home” then you actually want to go home. Well fuck off home then!
Straight buzzin Robotussin
How wonderful! A reference to a cough medicine used by the poorest members of society and the most down-and-out alcoholics and addicts to get high. Nothing says a party like substance abuse of the most depressing kind imaginable. I hope Dev’s next song is about glue sniffing and self harm. That’ll be bitchin’!
Wanna get ya mitts in my oven
Now when you use a metaphor that uses the word “in” you’re in trouble. When you’re talking about being “in” someone, there’s only one way to construe what you’re trying to say. Meanwhile, mitts seems like a clear way of saying hands, so this line seems to ask if you want to…..well forgive me for being crude, but this line asks if you want to put your hands into someone. Into their special place….their oven…..where buns go.
Wanna get a lick of this lovin
G-g-g-get a lick of this lovin
Wow, its almost nice to get some obvious sexual imagery rather than all these torturous cooking metaphors!
Yeah, I like it loud
And I’ll make you shout
I guess if you stuck your “mitts” into what turned out to be an actual oven you might shout, whether you were lovin lickin or not.
G-give you that Black Eyed Peas
You know that Boom Boom Pow
You did not! Noooo! Fuuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkk!!!!
The Black Eyed Peas might be the worst thing to happen to the world since exploding baby suicide bombers, but even worse than BEING them is MENTIONING them? This implies that you ASPIRE to be like the Black Eyed Peas. That’s the ultimate example of setting the bar low. If you aim to achieve the same quality of music as the Black Eyed Peas, you deserve no mercy. An eternity of torture by Jack Bauer is too good for you.
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]
It’s like one, two, three, okay
Can I get a little Goose in my OJ?
At least Dev is less grumpy about counting to three now. As for goose in your OJ? Too easy…
Everyday feel like my birthday
And we sip champagne when we thirsty
Terrible, woeful rhyming aside, this line is simply not true. No one drinks champagne when their thirsty. Guests drink it at weddings and rappers and middle class women drink it because they think its what millionaires do. Imagine a tough session in the gym. Do you grab a can of champagne from the drinks machine? Do villagers in dessert towns in Afrcia scream out for Cristal when their well runs dry?
Quit fronting why yo husband
Tryna get his mitts in my oven
Apparently a married man is trying to put his hands in a ladies vagina.
Wanna get a lick of this lovin
G-g-g-get a lick of this lovin
Well stop singing about it and call the police on this obvious sex offender.
Yeah, I like it loud
And I’ll make you shout
G-give you that Black Eyed Peas
You know that Boom Boom Pow
And how are they going to give us Black Eyed Peas exactly?
[Chorus]
I got a question for you
Yes
Do you like it when I flow?
When you…..?
I got a question for you
Yes
Do you like it when I flow?
I don’t even…..?
With my bass down low
Oh I get it. The question was rhetorical, right? Are you listening to me?
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
La la la la
So that’s a no then.
[Chorus]
Its over…..time for some real music!
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWOzUzJd6wM