Here at CalmDownTom we like games (you may have noticed this). We play the hell out of them then we tell you about them here. But we do have a back orifice (snigger) sorry… office section where we chat about what we are going to be doing. It was from one of these chats with fellow CalmDownTom colleagues Gnarles and Stuart Gillies that this piece comes from. What if you could do a review so short and concise that you could convey all your love, hatred or frustration in five words? How cool would that be? Well sirs, I accept your challenge and present you with this: The Friday Five Word Game Review. The rules are simple: review the game in five words, all five words must be used, acronyms count as one word and you can be as funny, serious, wacky or sincere as you wish. Got it? Well, let’s try a few – hopefully it might catch on.
Resident Evil 6: Childhood has been raped. Fuckers!
Mass Effect: Glorious alien side boob. GOTY
Mass Effect 2: Sex with Garrus? Just ewwww
Mass Effect 3: Wait… what??? Nerd rage grrr
Mass Effect 3 (alternate): Crack for gamers. Send help!
Dead Space: Scary. Just shat the carpet.
Rock Band: House full of plastic crap
Bioshock: Wtf is that? I’m dead
Metal Gear Solid: Snake, Snake. Snake? Snake? Snnaaaaakkkkkkeeee!
Dreamcast collection (360): Sega broke my heart sniff.
Star Wars Kinect: Dear George Lucas, this blows.
Portal: The cake is a lie
Portal 2: Take my money, take it!!
Final Fantasy XIII: Shite story, Lightning’s hot though
Ninety-Nine Nights: Wait, this is not Lumines.
BlazBlue: Hey, it’s the boobie lady!!
Marvel Ultimate Alliance: Deadpool’s in this. Enough said.
The Eye of Judgement: Still want my money back!
Fez: Phil Fish with hat. Meh
Starseed Pilgrim: I’m lost. Needs fucking manual
And Finally, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning: Tom was wrong. This rocks!
Well, what do you think? Feel free to add your own and maybe some of the others writers will have their own edition.
Happy Friday everyone!