The worst E3 in years? The worst ever? There’s no doubt that apathy is at an all time high this year. Articles like this one show how disenfranchised journalists are, and this is mirrored in gamers attitudes in general too. No new consoles and a glut of copycat titles make for grim viewing. Microsoft didn’t even bother showing any games. Ok, they maybe showed like on game. Halo or something.
7. Book of Spells
Lets start with the classic motion controlled game that doesn’t work. I am always amazed by how a presenter tries to minimise the problems that you sometimes see in games like these. Here we see a motion controlled game failing to work in absolutely ideal conditions set up by a team of professionals whose job is to get it right for a demo in a custom designed space set out to show the title in the best possible light. If it doesn’t work here, how could it work well in your own dimly lit shame whole of a house (apologies if you don’t live in a shame hole).
*Skip to 3:30 to see the awkward*
I picked this out as it is one of the supposed surprising highlights of the Wii U launch catalogue. Things start badly with its thoroughly uninspired trailer that’s so derivative of Dead Island’s that the director behind it should be ashamed. The use of the national anthem with that singers accent is either offensive or just shit depending on your degree of Royal fervour. After this weekend, mines is pretty low.
Worse follows when you see a supposed hardcore game contain all the worst, least inspired ideas for the use of the Wii UI’s controller. Use it for your inventory! Use it as a keypad! Hacking mini games! Sniper scope! Swing it around like an axe! Awful. Every moment that the controller is used in this game makes the game itself look much worse. Like motion controls shoehorned into a game for no good reason than because they are there, this will have the gamer screaming, “Just let me play the fucking game!”
ZombiU might also be the worst name for a thing ever. Are all these games just going to have U at the end of them? TennisU? ShooterU? Fifa 12U? It sounds like an age advisory rating.
Still, it wasn’t all bad at the Nintendo conference. Reggie seems to have a good knowledge of bizarre memes from previous E3’s and even references them here, where he says his classic line again.
5. Wii Birth U
Not a real game, but a great video here from Darkbeatdk. This video is based on a basic game that uses the balance board to steer through a course by sitting on it, but with some clever re-editing this is a great parody of Nintendo’s awful advertising and the ridiculous reactions of the actors in those adverts.
4. Ten minutes of the fucking Wonderbook
“What if I could explore different worlds?” What, like in a computer game? Only you’re not playing a game, you’re reading a book. Well kind of. Only your playing with it? Meaning that it has all the disadvantages of both mediums but the advantages of neither. Except it makes your parents feel good, because they bought you a book instead of a game. But you’re still playing and not reading.
This is a device for parents who want all the outward trappings of an educated, literary experience but none of the content. You also get to change the stories. At the end of Animal Farm you can have Snowball team up with Ben 10 and Sportacus to take back the farm with their awesome dance moves. Probably. Also, “actual game images appear in the television”. Not in your living room, suspending all the rules of the physical world we live in. Just so you know.
But this was just all mentioned in passing though right? No. It went on literally forever. Yeah, I said literally. I don’t care if that’s wrong. It felt like literally forever!
3. Usher Dance Central
Those are not the right moves Usher. The game should not be saying “Flawless” right now! You are not Michael Jackson. You are not even Tito Jackson.
2. Wreckateer played by girl, awkwardness ensues, everyone feels dirty
Can’t watch. Too awkward and horrible for words. Why did they throw this women out there like this? Cringing in embarrassment. Want to die….
1. Aisha Taylor has girl-wood, we’re all gay
While the Ubisoft conference was generally great, Aisha Taylor struggled. OK, so she’s no Mr Caffeine, but there’s just something especially cringe worthy about Ubisoft’s conferences. Maybe its the stoic audience of tired, cynical journos and industry types or maybe its the need to maintain enthusiasm for hours on end for what are often obviously terrible games, but Aisha Taylor still came out with some truly cringe worthy lines. It can’t be an easy job, but surely Ubisoft can get someone to do this with some degree of charisma. Maybe someone who doesn’t talk about Lady Wood and tell us we’re all a bit gay. Highlights included the moment after the Rayman demo when she confessed she had no idea what had just happened on-screen.
Bonus mention. Sony didn’t have anything to say about The Last Guardian but did give us this.