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Top 5 random things not to post on Facebook

Just a quick top 5 for you today. All of the entries on this list are crimes against the gods of social media (Myspace-Muhammad, Jehovah-Tube, Twitter-Demeter and Mecha-Jesus). If you break any of these rules once or twice, you’re alright. No ones gonna lynch you for that one time you played Mafia Wars. If you do it all the time though, prepare to feel the cold emptiness of an imminent un-friending. I fully admit I have broken many of these rules myself, and probably will again in the future, but I’ll at least feel bad about it (especially when one of my friends tells me “didn’t you say NOT to do that on your site?”). For online calendar, people can check out Kennected Calendar and get the best ones in the market.

*Oh and although its not on the list, you should totally avoid talking about God on Facebook. It’s just not worth it. Trust me.*

5. Random song lyric
“Im cutting trying to picture your black broken heart”

Why? Because it sums up how you feel? Instead of plumbing through recent popular music for a phrase that roughly sums up your current mood or situation why not, I don’t know, just write how you feel?

If you’re not posting a song lyric because of its applicability to your current situation and instead are trying to show us the beauty of the song then why not post a link to it instead? You can even send one of those “fancy” spotify links for your friends to ignore because they’re too busy listening to theme tunes from 80’s cartoons instead.

Worse are the replies to these posts. If you reply with the next lyric of the song then all you’re saying is, “Oh!…Oh!!!! I know that song. Me so cleva!!!!”. If you reply with a “???” then the original poster will refuse to reply, amused at your lack of musical and pop culture acumen. Later, when meeting their equally wretched friends they’ll discuss how amusing it was when poor Dave didn’t even know that those lyrics were totally from an MCR song. Dave’s such a loser.

4. Random vagueness
“Finally going to do it”, “She said it was true”, “The answer is sturgeon!”

Remember when you were in primary school, and there was always one kid who would run up to you and say “I know a secret but I can’t tell you what it is”. For many years this was the tactical nuclear weapon in the arms race of the chronic attention seeker. The deployment of this diabolical phrase was like the weaving of an elaborate, evil curse which trapped all who heard it. Hours and hours of “come on, tell us” and “I’ll give you these space raiders” followed as everyone’s imagination took hold, groping desperately against the arcane might of the spell to imagine what this wondrous secret must be. In all cases the eventual reveal of the secret was less exciting than the grand opening of a bag of soggy crisps and there would be more sad children’s faces than at the first hearing of the criminal case against Santa Claus for the molestation of the Tooth Fairy.

The truth is people all require different amounts of attention to be happy. Some people would be glad to be left to hide, troll-like, under a bridge for the rest of their days if it meant they could be left alone, while others would smear themselves with faeces and perform the Soulja Boy dance if it was the only way they could get anyone to look at them.

The dawn of social media has meant that the modern day equivalent of “I have a secret but I can’t tell you” is the vague status update. Conferring no information in isolation, it fails at the basic requirement that its name demands. It neither shares your “status” nor is it in any way an “update”.

What does it do then? It gains attention. It motivates your “friends” to chase you for the information on your life; the information you should have shared to begin with. Perhaps it reflects our desire to emulate celebrities who are chased by paparazzi demanding interviews and photos. In the same way, the vague status updater on facebook teases their friends, hinting that their information is too valuable to simply surrender without adequate pursuit first.

In the end the same things happens as at school. One day, someone thinks to themselves “The last three times Mouthy Mike said he had a secret it was shit. Instead of asking him what it is, I’m gonna go play Mortal Kombat!”.

The irony is that if you’re a considerate, modest individual then people will simply ask you how you’re doing, completely unprompted. You’ll get frequent “Whatsup dude” messages. Isn’t that attention enough?

3. Random shit people send you
Michelle has sent you a star fish, Linda has sent you seeds, Bob has sent you a Frenchman

This is probably the most obvious entry but it annoys everyone. I don’t want any of this shit that comes with an incredibly badly drawn little gif. I know this is how your business works, I know that people play Farmville at work because employers stupidly don’t provide Xboxes and I know that I can hide this shit so I don’t see it. But there’s just….soo….much of it!

Sending people this stuff isn’t like giving them gifts; it’s like picking your junk mail off the doormat and posting it through their letterbox. It doesn’t matter if there’s some vouchers for slightly cheaper junk in there, it’s still junk!

2. Random not-drunk drunkenness
“Suzy we shulda nevr bke up. I nvr loved Derek like I luvd you”

If you’re posting on Facebook you’re not drunk. Period. If you’re sober enough to start your computer, log in, click status and start typing then you’re not real drunk, you’re pretend-o drunk. What you’re doing is trying to use alcohol to justify bad or childish behaviour. When you have sufficient clarity of mind to get to the status update page, you have the corresponding levels of moral clarity to question whether you really should be posting that “Stacey’s a slag” or “James girlfriend should be with me instead of him”.

There’s no diminished responsibility. Pretending to mistype half your wurds fools no one. You’re being an idiot. Go to the mirror, look at yourself and say “Stop being a dick” then go to bed, ensuring you don’t mistakenly step on your kebab or use it as a meaty pillow.

1. Random scams
Dude, if you sign up to be at the base of our pyramid, you totally get a free iPad!

While if you commit any of the other sins on this list you’re probably just immature, if you commit this one then you’re stupid, greedy and soon, friendless too. Out of all the things you can do wrong on Facebook, my friends categorically don’t do this, and that’s why they’re awesome. If your friends scam you, ask for money or try to get you to join a group called “This is no quick money scheme, its a scheme to get real money….and quick!” then drop them. Freeloders are unwelcome in real life, but if you expose yourself as an easy mark online they’ll suck you dry.

Thanks for reading this list. Not much games related stuff in there, but it felt good to write it. Have a good weeekend everyone!

Published inTop 5