As a follow up to the 10 Worst Video Game Movies list, let’s look at some games that are crying out to be made into a movie. Just don’t show this list to Uwe Boll.
Starring: Vin Diesel
Why it could work – Greek mythology, giant gods, big swords on chains, what’s not to like? Kratos was surely the part that Vin Diesel was born to play. They’re both bald, muscly and both have that permanently angry/constipated look on their face.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Hollywood has a bad track record with this kind of movie. Titans’ clashed and wrathed and nobody was very impressed. You’d get dodgy CGI, rubbish 3D and a script seemingly written by a 13 year old boy. Which at least would suit Vin.
Starring Olivia Wilde
Why it could work – Portal could be made as a low budget movie in the same vein as cult classic sci-fi flick Cube. All the action would be indoors in one location or even using green screen. Get Sigourney Weaver to be the voice of GLaDOS and you’re done. The rest of the budget could be spent on a lovely cake.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – The cake is a lie.
Starring Michael Cera and Brian Blessed
Why it could work – We know that pirate movies are big box-office draws nowadays so what better game to bring to the screen than one of the all-time classics? Michael Cera brings his awkward geeky charm to the role of wannabe pirate Guybrush Threepwood while Brian Blessed shouts at everything and everyone as the ghost pirate LeChuck.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Johnny Depp has sadly milked the comedy pirate genre for all it’s worth plus Michael Cera would insist on wearing a Bon Iver T-Shirt throughout the movie.
Starring Justin Bieber
Why it could work – Justin Bieber! He has 20 million fans!
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Justin Bieber! There’s the other 6.7 billion of the population that have eyes and ears and taste.
Starring Michael Fassbender
Why it could work – I’m amazed this hasn’t been turned into a movie already. An experiment with teleportation results in aliens coming into our dimension leaving a theoretical physicist to go apeshit mental on them with a crowbar. Finally, the physicists fight back! Have it directed by Guillermo Del Toro and bang! There’s your movie.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Doom! The film had a similar plot and, while not being the worst game/movie crossover, it didn’t exactly set the world alight. Would producers risk money on a film were a speccy scientist beats headcrabs to a bloody pulp?
Starring Neil Patrick Harris
Why it could work – Epic space adventures are a risky business in the film world. For every ‘Star Wars’ there’s a ‘John Carter’. For every ‘Star Trek’ there’s a ‘Space Truckers’. Get round this problem by trolling the key audience. Cast an openly gay actor as Commander Shepard and sit back as armies of outraged fanboys fill the cinemas in order to be livid at being forced to endure this heresy being shoved down their throats. Ahem.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Whiny, whiny, hand-wringing, self-entitled, moaning idiots who would demand the studio change the casting, the plot and even the lighting in the film because it’s not the version they had in their heads. Boo hoo hoo.
Starring Christian Bale
Why it could work – Metal Gear Solid has everything you need to make a movie. Soldiers, terrorists, gadgets, robots and some of the most insanely brilliant character names ever invented. Solid Snake, Decoy Octopus, Psycho Mantis and my personal favourite Revolver Ocelot. Who wouldn’t watch that?
Why it probably wouldn’t work- Christian Bale is known to be a method actor. It is possible that he would get so immersed in the role of Solid Snake that he may start living inside a cardboard box and then, mistaken for a FedEx delivery, get shipped off to Finland and never seen again.
Starring Sean Penn and Mel Gibson
Why it could work – Take two of Hollywood’s angriest actors and, using Avatar-style mo-cap, transform them into large round birds locked in an unending war against the evil pig empire. Imagine Sean Penn’s face as he’s fired from a catapult for the first time. Classic.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Mel and Sean are certainly angry but perhaps a little too angry. Penn would no doubt work in a rant about the plight of Venezuelan farm workers and Gibson would be secretly recorded screaming abuse about how green pigs run the whole Gaming industry. That and the fact he’s now pure box-office poison.
Starring Tom Hardy
Why it could work – One of the biggest games with the biggest fanbases surely deserves a big movie. Huge space wars with religious overtones may seem a bit familiar but the Halo universe is so vast and rich they really could pull it off. Stick Tom Hardy in the Master Chief’s armour but remember to never let him take off the helmet. We all know what happened with Sly’s Judge Dredd.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Out of this whole list Halo has come the closest to actually being made into a film. Alex garland wrote a treatment and Peter Jackson, Guillermo Del Toro and Steven Spielberg have all shown interest in directing. The film has now been lingering in development hell since 2005 due to money worries (mainly Microsoft demanding a huge chunk of the gross) and poor scripts.
Starring Matt Smith or Robert Pattinson
Why it could work – Like the game it’s potentially very cheap to make by using only film technology from the early 90’s (pre-Lawnmower man basically). You can also save money on CGI effects by casting actors such as Robert Pattinson or Matt Smith who already have quite flat blocky faces. Film the whole thing guerrilla style by dropping the actor in the middle of nowhere and watch them survive/die/go insane within 3 hours. Sorted.
Why it probably wouldn’t work – Two things Minecraft doesn’t really have are a plot and an ending, both of which are pretty crucial to a movie’s success. Nobody wants to see Robert Pattinson attempting to make an axe by punching a tree for 15 hours until he’s left bleeding and crying on the floor. Hmmm actually….