10. The Jockey in Left 4 Dead 2
Nobody likes being touched by a stranger in a dark back-alley right? What if this stranger leapt onto your back and started dry-humping you and steering you towards other strangers with phlegm problems? Oh, and they’re infected. And it’s the end of the world. Kind of a downer, huh?
9. Princess Peach from The Super Mario bros. series
Rumour has it that the character of Jack Bauer’s daughter in 24 is modelled on Princess Peach. Think about it. Both are blonde. Both are incapable of going five minutes without being kidnapped. Both er… well that’s probably about it actually. Princess Peach spends so much time being kidnapped by Bowser I’m surprised that Stockholm Syndrome hasn’t kicked in by now and she is, in fact, madly in love with her giant, scaly captor. Think of the children. Mario would have given up by now but the only alternative seems to be confused trans-gender avian Birdo. The horror. The horror.
7. Tingle from The Legend of Zelda series
OK, so the map-seller Tingle is a middle aged man who enjoys dressing up as a fairy. Aha. He wears a clock round his neck like a white, psychologically damaged Flavor Flav. I see. He also has a catchphrase, “Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!” Hmmm. Yeah, maybe I’ll just buy that map on Amazon instead. Thanks anyway.
6. Creepers from Minecraft
You lovingly place your last block down, finally completing your 5:1 scale replica of Bill Murray’s head. You stand back to admire your handiwork. Hours upon hours of mining and building all culminating in… sssssssssssssssssssssss BOOM! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….
5. Tails from the Sonic the Hedgehog series
Most animals born with a hideous deformity like a second tail are humanely put down so they don’t have to go through life suffering from their crippling disability. Tails (or Miles Prower if you prefer his real, pun-tastic moniker) somehow slipped through the net so as to spend his days constantly slowing Sonic down and getting himself drowned. That’s when he’s not jumping directly in front of Sonic during a bonus level. Stop waving at us you two-tailed abomination!
4. Anybody needing an escort in any game, ever
Ashley in Resident Evil 4, the survivors in Dead Rising, Natalya in Goldeneye, the hostages in Counter Strike. The list goes on and on. These people need rescued by you so why, for the love of God, do none of them show any interest in their own safety? Half of them will just stand there being chewed on by a zombie or staring at a door seemingly baffled at how to operate it. Some of them will wander in front of your line of fire with a blank look on their face. Others will wander off cliffs, roofs or fall into lava pits. The rest will only follow you at a casual stroll despite the ravenous hordes bearing down upon them. Idiots. Other people are idiots.
3. Slippy Toad from Starfox
There’s always one isn’t there? You put together a band of anthropomorphic heroes to battle a giant floating head that’s intent on destroying the universe and you think you’ve got a crack team. But there’s always one. Slippy Toad is that one. The one that always needs help, that is always getting shot at, always getting captured or cornered or in some way hindering your progress. Listen to him calling out for help in his hideous croaky voice. Even his name is annoying now I think of it. Slippy Toad. Urghh. I’m away for a shower.
2. The Dog from Duck Hunt
Look at him. Laughing at you. You are useless. Holding your plastic light gun like a camp Buck Rogers. He’s mocking you, that dog is. Pointing out all your inadequacies. Can’t even shoot a duck, eh? Even when you’ve gone up and held the gun an inch from the screen. He hates you. He’s probably left you a present on your living room rug. That’s why he’s laughing, that bastard. He knows you can’t shoot him. His grinning face will haunt your dreams forever. Sorry, I think that’s brought back some bad NES memories there.
1. Navi from The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
“Hey! Listen! Listen! Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Watch out! Listen! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey!”
Whaaaaaaaat???!!!! What do you want from me?!? Dear God, whaaaaat?!?!?