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Top 10 Worst Video Game Movies

Top 10 Worst Video Game Movies

This list could quite easily be a top 20 or possibly top 50 of bad ‘game to movie’ releases, such is the vast amount of horrendous attempts to make a good film out of a popular game. In fact, to date there hasn’t been any title in this genre that could be called even half-decent. It should be easy. There’s usually a story line already there (of sorts), ready-written characters and a dedicated fan base in place. So where does it all go wrong?

***Warning! The following list contains spoilers, baffling plots, z-list actors and a certain German director that must, MUST be stopped…***

10. Super Mario Bros (1993)
The film that started it all. Two Brooklyn plumbers discover an interdimensional portal and go to an alternate Earth where humans evolved from dinosaurs and have to save Earth (and Daisy natch) from the evil Koopa using funny shoes and a rock. Fair enough. Sounds plausible. The problems with this film really start when any character opens their mouth, including Oscar-nominees Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper. Bob has repeatedly referred to the movie as the worst thing he’s ever done and he was in Hook! Oh, look! They’re shooting Super Scopes! Ahahahahaaaaaa! heeheeheehee Hohohohoho HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Fucknuts.

9. Max Payne (2008)
Max Payne, the game, is amazing. With it’s film-noir tones, bullet-time slo-mo and graphic novel cut-scenes it’s almost a story board for a gritty revenge thriller, right? Wrong. Instead, what we get is acting vacuum Mark Wahlberg in an overly complicated, illogical story and CGI demons for no reason whatsoever. I don’t even want to link to a clip from the film so here’s a clip of Mark being out-acted by a houseplant.

8. Resident Evil: Afterlife or Apocalypse or Extinction, take your pick, they’re the same film
Whilst the first Resident Evil film had some merit, the following films in the series descended into a soul destroying pit of plot holes and over acting the like of which hasn’t been seen since Ed Wood stopped making movies. Random female characters from the games would turn up wearing outfits that looked like they had just finished a shift down the local strip club unaware of the zombie hordes outside. At one point during the most recent bilgefest (in 3D!)I got so confused by the plot that my brain escaped through my nose and hasn’t been seen since.

7. Mortal Kombat (1995)
From the man that brought you the Resident Evil films comes… MORTAL KOMBAT (must be repeatedly screamed at full volume for full effect). More interdimensional shenanigans here with Earth’s fate this time being decided by a… er… martial arts tournament. God-awful dialogue and acting so hammy you could put a snout on it and called it Porky. Bonus points for having z-list actor extraordinaire Christopher Lambert as Raiden, God of lightning and dodgy wigs. (Ed: I thoroughly disagree with RaveChimp, the MK movie is the Citizen Kane of game movies!).

6. Far Cry (2008)
The first film on this list directed by Uwe Boll, a German director famous for making many, many video game movie adaptations and managing to spectacularly fuck up each and every one of them. Clunky dialogue? Check! Insanely stupid plot? Check! Annoying comedy sidekick? Check! Actors who really should know better? Check!

5. DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)
Four beautiful female fighters…blah blah… martial arts contest… blah blah… boobs… mysterious something or other… more boobs… that girl from Neighbours… 87 minutes long… blahbitty blah blah blah

4. House of the Dead (2003)
Uwe Boll returns with another turkey. The original game involved two agents investigating a mansion and blasting away numerous monsters and other beasties. How the movie turned from the original on-rails arcade classic to whatever the hell Mr. Boll produced we’ll never know but it breaks down like this: a couple of dicks want to go to a rave on an island, they meet up with some other idiots (one of which is called Karma, I shit you not), they find the island deserted apart from a bunch of zombies and you can fill in the blanks from there. At one point a headless body tries to strangle one of the main characters. It should be funny . It is not. At this point you should be wondering how Uwe Boll manages to keep making these movies. Voodoo Powers? Satanic pact? Place your bets.

3. Street Fighter (1994)
The problem with these game adaptations is that the studio will try and shoehorn so many elements of the game in that they think will make the fanboys happy, that small things such as narrative structure and cohesive plot go out the window. So that’s why we have pretty much every SF character thrown in to this film no matter how little it makes sense. Yet they have no problem messing with the game’s history whatsoever. Ryu is Chinese now, Guile is Belgian, Dhalsim is a scientist, Blanka is Mick Hucknell. The amazing Raul Julia, who played M Bison here, sadly died before the film was released. I only hope he was spared having to watch the movie before he went.

2. Double Dragon (1994)
You have to wonder why this film is even called Double Dragon since, apart from having two men dressed in red and blue who fight a bit, it bears almost no relation to the original game. Magical medallions, ghostly possession, post apocalyptic city (New Angeles, see what they did there?), no mid 90’s cliché is overlooked here. Look, they even got the bad guy from Terminator 2! Wheee! Genetic experiments! Ninjas! Yipee! Everyone involved with this movie should be fed to Abobo. Here he is…

1. Bloodrayne (2005)
Uwe Boll gets the hat-trick! The world’s worst director is back with another steaming pile of movie excrement. Hurrah! Turns out that due to German tax laws Uwe Boll can keep making any old crap he likes as the law allows investors to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allowed them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax writeoff. All of which is a long-winded way of saying that Bloodrayne is so utterly unwatchable that I had to sandpaper my eyes after trying to navigate it’s sheer awfulness. I filled my ears with Polyfilla and travelled to the deepest, darkest heart of the Amazon rainforest to live with an undiscovered tribe that had never even heard of movies. Uwe Boll is still out there, I can feel it (and IMDB says he’s making a third Bloodrayne film). God help us all.

As always, leave your comments underneath. Unlike Tom I don’t read them but if you enter your details I can sell them and finance my own movie adaptation of Little Big Planet starring Vin Diesel, Lindsey Lohan and Sean Bean.

MOAR FROM CALMDOWNTOM!

27 Comments

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  1. Muriel says
    01/04/2014, 8:03 PM

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  2. 04/27/2012, 9:02 AM

    well nothings severe right now but yes we may have to watch them as them seem to be moving a bit north.

  3. Preet says
    03/21/2012, 12:14 AM

    Mortal Kombat, yh rite.

    There is plenty more shit VG – M.
    Silent Hill.
    Tomb Raider both of them
    Street Fighter: Chun Li (that was worse than street fighter movie how can it be)
    DOOM
    I would say Prince of Persia but it would say it was average but not a eye sore as such
    Worse thing of all is that i see youtube fan videos better than these films, goes to show more money doesnt make a better film.

  4. Christopher Browne says
    03/06/2012, 10:06 PM

    I atctually found Alone in the Dark so ungodly awful, that I loved. It is a huge guilty pleasure for me and I watch it all the time

  5. Daniel says
    10/18/2011, 2:15 AM

    I thinky you should replace Mortal Kombat with it’s sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, replace DOA: Dead or Alive with Alone in the Dark, replace Bloodrayne with Bloodrayne 2: Deliverence, replace the Resident Evil franchise with Hitman, and then you’ll have a good list.

  6. 06/27/2011, 2:21 PM

    [...] •Top 10 Worst Video Game Movies [Calm Down Tom] Even though it was not a video game, I’m gonna put Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever on here, simply because being mistaken for a video game movie is the greatest regret of those who made that turd. [...]

  7. zer(o_0)ne says
    06/27/2011, 10:17 AM

    Hi, Uwe Boll had another great movie in which he explained how he got the money to do all the movies. It’s called “Postal” like the game….. In Postal he said that he is in possession of the nazi gold and he used it because no one else will…

  8. Brock says
    06/27/2011, 4:28 AM

    Excellent list. I think Uwe always wins for Alone In The Dark. Simply as bad as it gets. But, if you’re interested in a video game movie that’s trying to break the mold (little self promotion here) you can hit up the Kickstarter for the movie I’m making. Check it out here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/brockwilbur/your-friends-close-a-video-game-dramedy-0 Gracias, and seriously, Alone In The Dark. Every time.

  9. Atsu says
    06/27/2011, 12:31 AM

    I’ve always seen Uwe Boll as a spin on the “Infinite Monkey”-Theory…

    Given unlimited time and ressources (of which he evidently has both) even he should mangae to produce something remotely watchable sometime

  10. WTef says
    06/27/2011, 12:14 AM

    Mortal Kombat? Really? You cant find one more movie to go on this list?

    Go back and do your research again, kids.

  11. 06/26/2011, 11:45 PM

    [...] •Top 10 Worst Video Game Movies [Calm Down Tom] Even though it was not a video game, I’m gonna put Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever on here, simply because being mistaken for a video game movie is the greatest regret of those who made that turd. Tagged:humourlistslists of liststop 10 [...]

  12. Paul says
    06/26/2011, 9:27 PM

    You left out the worst video game movie of all times, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

  13. Taylor says
    06/26/2011, 9:26 PM

    I actually found RE to be one of the better movie adaptions.
    But to each and their own.

  14. GBOB says
    06/26/2011, 5:09 PM

    Mortal Kombat was one of the worst?? Really?

  15. mrbauer248 says
    06/26/2011, 10:35 AM

    Just you wait, when “Battleships” and “asteroids” the movie comes out, it will bring a whole new level of crap to movie spin offs.

  16. 06/25/2011, 5:01 PM

    [...] a list of the ten worst video game movies of all-time. (Calm Down Tom) Two things though: 1) I can’t believe they could convince themselves to limit the list to [...]

  17. Ravechimp says
    06/23/2011, 4:46 PM

    Probably because you tend to upset Wing Commander cartoon fans. The most feared community on the internetweb.

  18. Avatar of Tom
    Tom says
    06/23/2011, 4:21 PM

    How come when I get trolls they get more abusive, but your trolls magically transform into polite, decent folk RaveChimp?

  19. Avatar of Tom
    Tom says
    06/23/2011, 4:20 PM

    Awww, that’s nice Mr Nails. Lets hug it out people!

  20. bowlofnails says
    06/23/2011, 3:58 PM

    I should have been more polite. It was actually meant to be humorous. I frequent this site because I appreciate the writing. I’m a serious gamer (and a writer), and all too often in my daily read I come across these types of sentences and they literally hurt my eyes. We can talk about literacy in the gaming community but I imagine it’s not a subject of interest to most. All the same, I’ll ramp up my efforts in learning how to be more diplomatic when I’m donning my “Nurse Ratchet Grammar Hat”. Ravechimp, your prose is actually original and possesses a sense of style and I appreciate it very much. And to Tom and the staff hanks for all the great articles. Redubbed “please continue to progress with your writing”.

  21. Ravechimp says
    06/23/2011, 2:57 PM

    Awww you didn’t have to delete the guys comment Tom. Now it looks like I’m talking to myself on a Comments section of a website. Which I don’t plan to be doing for at least a couple more years. Plus, he was right, that line was pretty clunky. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let someone tell me something I already know. Damned! ;-)

  22. Avatar of Ealiom
    Ealiom says
    06/23/2011, 1:24 PM

    Camp?! Wut. No way is it camp I mean look at this epicness
    http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/photos/uncategorized/endmovie.jpg

    …………………….. .point taken

  23. Ravechimp says
    06/23/2011, 1:00 PM

    Ealiom, a brilliant line, no doubt.Pity the rest of the film is as camp as a row of pink tents

  24. Ravechimp says
    06/23/2011, 12:56 PM

    Thanks for the constructive criticism learntowriteplease. I apologise for gradually degrading your intelligence. I shall endeavour to ‘get it together’ as best I can. As you can imagine I’m extremely well paid for my contributions to this website and am generally regarded as one the finest critics in aaaaaall the land. Or, y’now, maybe I’m just doing this shit for the lulz. Oh, and Hemmingway? Jesus, what a hack ;-) Feed the trolls!

  25. Avatar of Ealiom
    Ealiom says
    06/23/2011, 12:54 PM

    What Streetfighter, bad!?
    When I get an angry mail sent to me from a defeated and disgruntled streetfighter player I always respond with this line http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlhOUyy4wbs

  26. Eresin says
    06/23/2011, 12:34 PM

    @AndyErupts…bad news for you…penny sweets DI NOT cost one penny anymore.

    Is it strange that I actaully want to sit down and see how bad these movies are now? I applaud you Mr Ravechimp! Hurrah!

  27. AndyErupts says
    06/23/2011, 11:49 AM

    Superb stuff, Ravechimp.

    I recently splashed out the princely sum of £1 for Mortal Kombat.

    I could have 100 penny sweets. But i have that gashola.

    I tried to offload it FOR FREE to Harley who instead paid £5 quid for a copy.

    WOW.

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