This list could quite easily be a top 20 or possibly top 50 of bad ‘game to movie’ releases, such is the vast amount of horrendous attempts to make a good film out of a popular game. In fact, to date there hasn’t been any title in this genre that could be called even half-decent. It should be easy. There’s usually a story line already there (of sorts), ready-written characters and a dedicated fan base in place. So where does it all go wrong?
***Warning! The following list contains spoilers, baffling plots, z-list actors and a certain German director that must, MUST be stopped…***
10. Super Mario Bros (1993)
The film that started it all. Two Brooklyn plumbers discover an interdimensional portal and go to an alternate Earth where humans evolved from dinosaurs and have to save Earth (and Daisy natch) from the evil Koopa using funny shoes and a rock. Fair enough. Sounds plausible. The problems with this film really start when any character opens their mouth, including Oscar-nominees Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper. Bob has repeatedly referred to the movie as the worst thing he’s ever done and he was in Hook! Oh, look! They’re shooting Super Scopes! Ahahahahaaaaaa! heeheeheehee Hohohohoho HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Fucknuts.
9. Max Payne (2008)
Max Payne, the game, is amazing. With it’s film-noir tones, bullet-time slo-mo and graphic novel cut-scenes it’s almost a story board for a gritty revenge thriller, right? Wrong. Instead, what we get is acting vacuum Mark Wahlberg in an overly complicated, illogical story and CGI demons for no reason whatsoever. I don’t even want to link to a clip from the film so here’s a clip of Mark being out-acted by a houseplant.
8. Resident Evil: Afterlife or Apocalypse or Extinction, take your pick, they’re the same film
Whilst the first Resident Evil film had some merit, the following films in the series descended into a soul destroying pit of plot holes and over acting the like of which hasn’t been seen since Ed Wood stopped making movies. Random female characters from the games would turn up wearing outfits that looked like they had just finished a shift down the local strip club unaware of the zombie hordes outside. At one point during the most recent bilgefest (in 3D!)I got so confused by the plot that my brain escaped through my nose and hasn’t been seen since.
7. Mortal Kombat (1995)
From the man that brought you the Resident Evil films comes… MORTAL KOMBAT (must be repeatedly screamed at full volume for full effect). More interdimensional shenanigans here with Earth’s fate this time being decided by a… er… martial arts tournament. God-awful dialogue and acting so hammy you could put a snout on it and called it Porky. Bonus points for having z-list actor extraordinaire Christopher Lambert as Raiden, God of lightning and dodgy wigs. (Ed: I thoroughly disagree with RaveChimp, the MK movie is the Citizen Kane of game movies!).
6. Far Cry (2008)
The first film on this list directed by Uwe Boll, a German director famous for making many, many video game movie adaptations and managing to spectacularly fuck up each and every one of them. Clunky dialogue? Check! Insanely stupid plot? Check! Annoying comedy sidekick? Check! Actors who really should know better? Check!
5. DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)
Four beautiful female fighters…blah blah… martial arts contest… blah blah… boobs… mysterious something or other… more boobs… that girl from Neighbours… 87 minutes long… blahbitty blah blah blah
4. House of the Dead (2003)
Uwe Boll returns with another turkey. The original game involved two agents investigating a mansion and blasting away numerous monsters and other beasties. How the movie turned from the original on-rails arcade classic to whatever the hell Mr. Boll produced we’ll never know but it breaks down like this: a couple of dicks want to go to a rave on an island, they meet up with some other idiots (one of which is called Karma, I shit you not), they find the island deserted apart from a bunch of zombies and you can fill in the blanks from there. At one point a headless body tries to strangle one of the main characters. It should be funny . It is not. At this point you should be wondering how Uwe Boll manages to keep making these movies. Voodoo Powers? Satanic pact? Place your bets.
3. Street Fighter (1994)
The problem with these game adaptations is that the studio will try and shoehorn so many elements of the game in that they think will make the fanboys happy, that small things such as narrative structure and cohesive plot go out the window. So that’s why we have pretty much every SF character thrown in to this film no matter how little it makes sense. Yet they have no problem messing with the game’s history whatsoever. Ryu is Chinese now, Guile is Belgian, Dhalsim is a scientist, Blanka is Mick Hucknell. The amazing Raul Julia, who played M Bison here, sadly died before the film was released. I only hope he was spared having to watch the movie before he went.
2. Double Dragon (1994)
You have to wonder why this film is even called Double Dragon since, apart from having two men dressed in red and blue who fight a bit, it bears almost no relation to the original game. Magical medallions, ghostly possession, post apocalyptic city (New Angeles, see what they did there?), no mid 90’s cliché is overlooked here. Look, they even got the bad guy from Terminator 2! Wheee! Genetic experiments! Ninjas! Yipee! Everyone involved with this movie should be fed to Abobo. Here he is…
1. Bloodrayne (2005)
Uwe Boll gets the hat-trick! The world’s worst director is back with another steaming pile of movie excrement. Hurrah! Turns out that due to German tax laws Uwe Boll can keep making any old crap he likes as the law allows investors to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allowed them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax writeoff. All of which is a long-winded way of saying that Bloodrayne is so utterly unwatchable that I had to sandpaper my eyes after trying to navigate it’s sheer awfulness. I filled my ears with Polyfilla and travelled to the deepest, darkest heart of the Amazon rainforest to live with an undiscovered tribe that had never even heard of movies. Uwe Boll is still out there, I can feel it (and IMDB says he’s making a third Bloodrayne film). God help us all.
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