In the wake of the truly awful sex scenes in Dragons Age 2, I started to wonder if the medium was anywhere near mature enough to tackle this difficult area of human interaction. Rarely can movies get sex scenes right, and there’s an annual award for terrible sex scenes in literature so what chance have games got? When I looked at the following entries every one of them failed on some level or other. None of them manage to titilate, engross or emotionally engage the viewer/player. Whether you think they’re good or bad though, you can’t deny that every one is painfully awkward. Make no mistake, viewing this list is like taking a long cold shower. Relax, and let these videos take away all your sexual desire and replace it with a confused, disgusted and thoroughly un-aroused flaccidity.
*Warning: this list contains material of an adult nature, none of which is arousing. And spoilers*
5. Dragon’s Age 2’s sleazy dialogue
“Oh good lady!” “Oh dear sir!””Oh good lady!” “Oh dear sir!”. The terrible accents are just one ingredient in this epic cocktail of fail. Never have the words “I can show you what I have in mind” been less sexy. One area of storytelling that games regularly underperform in is natural dialogue, and suggestive or sensual dialogue is inherently hard to pull off convincingly even in movies. In games, romantic lines always sound corny while seductive language always sounds sleazy and comical. While the wrestling/lovemaking here has all the typical shortcomings of video game sex scenes (resembling as it does mannequins being rubbed together) its the truly cringe-worthy speech that makes a dramatic scene unintentionally hilarious.
4. Mass Effect’s Garus is too spiky. Also, not human
The first issue to contend with here is that any face you create in Mass Effect looks awful. The default Shepherd(s) look fine, but whenever you start adjusting those mischievous sliders you always create some kind of slope-mouthed mutant. This is compounded by the fact that in this particular love scene your partner is non-human. Not just non-human, but so fundamentally spiky and animal-like that it verges on bestiality. While Miranda may be shallow, she’s modelled on real world hottie Yvonne Strahovski. Sure, Garus is beautiful on the inside, but come on! The bits and pieces of the individuals involved have to vaguely resemble each other for sex to be normal. In some ways this scene fails because its so close to succeeding. Initially funny, the gently touching foreheads is then a genuine tender moment. But then you imagine what happens when…ick ick ick!!!
3. Alpha Protocol’s molestation
That’s….that’s not right. That’s just not right. Alpha Protocol is full of bizarre, strangely fasciniating larger-than-life character and Sie is certianly one of the most extreme. The mature, masculine Ex-Stasi agent responds best throughout the game to the more aggresive or even offensive converstaion choices and her dominant nature is in evidence in this scene where she….takes advantage of the situation…..by raping. She rapes you. She done raped. Rappage. Yup, I don’t know what else to say. Awkward!
2. Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit’s flesh mound
A genuinely important part of the game that should never have been cut for the US release, this scene still has its problems. The technology struggles to convince as the two characters rub against each other while in no way looking like they are actually kissing. Meanwhile, the low res textures make the shading on the two lovers blend together into one undulating, writhing mass of molten-plastic flesh. Its probably not the worst pre-apocalypse sex in any medium, but its the first in a series of events that derails the story and results in a Mayan God fighting the internet in one of the worst game endings of all time. You read that right.
1. Hot Coffee burns…my eyes!
Awful. Awful. Awful. Hidden in the game but eventually unlocked by modders, this ugly mini game should probably have never been seen, but can never been unseen. Responsible for more controvery than any other moment in any game, this was such an event that it crossed over into mainstream culture and was referenced everywhere. And all for a hidden mini game that made sex look as ugly as….well as ugly as sex actually looks when you’re not involved.
*Sigh*. That list filled me with existential dread. I think I’ll hide from the horror of physical human interaction for a few months.
Have a good weekend everyone!